I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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