you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
