Already got asked if we're dating
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize