can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
