A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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