At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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