Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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