you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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