in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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