I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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