I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
