hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
