Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
