How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
