you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize