I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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