you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Nobody cheats on THIS.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
