My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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