There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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