Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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