your thong is hanging out like whoa
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
