They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
