As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
