I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
