Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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