don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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