I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
