if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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