If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
