I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
