I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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