your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
