my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
