i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
