I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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