Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
