I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
