my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I love you. Go after that dick
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize