peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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