What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
