i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
