Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
