So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
