So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize