He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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