The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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