He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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