what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
