So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
