It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
