ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
