maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
