Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
