the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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