I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize