I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Randomize
