I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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