i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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