I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
