Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
