we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
