After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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