So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
